You just made me feel so damn special
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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