I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize