he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Michael Bay diarrhea
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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