And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
