hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
