but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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