my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
