The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's always time for handjobs
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
