sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
