I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
