GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
