We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
