Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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