It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Why is your signature on my underwear?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
