I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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