it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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