My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I had to cum in my sink.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
