he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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