I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
