the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
