If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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