Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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