Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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