I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
