the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
