he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
