i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
