I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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