I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
