dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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