I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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