So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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