My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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