I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
