today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
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You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
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What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He shit in the fireplace
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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