I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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