today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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