If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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