I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i drank out of a bidet.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
