did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
