6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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