I am puke
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."