If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
