I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
