im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
