You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
