Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
