I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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