So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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