why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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