I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
