Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
