hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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