Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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