did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
