he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
